What's the point?

One comment that I get more than any other from people who have read the Lent and Advent Blogs over the past few years is that they are ' honest'.  People thank me for my honesty and vulnerability in the things that I share.  And most of the time this makes me smile, because as far as Im concerned Im not aiming to be particularly vulnerable.  I dont usually set out to wear my heart on my sleeve or use the blogs as therapy.  I just say it as I see it - and I dont really see much point in pretending that things are different from how they really are.  I firmly believe that we are all the same.  We experience the same feelings, frustrations, hopes and dreams, temptations and failings.  I do think that God has given me a gift in being able to write in a way which people enjoy reading.  But Im always amazed when people applaud my approach.

So, here's a blog post which I know will get people reaching for the ' honest' word  😀  because today I have been thinking ' what's the point?'

I think ' what's the point?' quite a lot.  And I struggle to discern how much of that question belongs to my depression and how much is just a result of being a normal person living an average life.    I genuinely find it hard to work out the purpose for me being on the planet - why, if heaven is so great and Jesus loves me and wants to spend eternity with me, didn't He just end my life and whisk me off into the clouds as soon as I'd become a Christian?   I suppose one could argue that my ' destiny' was to have three boys who would be brought up in a Christian home.  I can just about concede that that might be a reason for being alive.   But that's a job pretty much done now....... and for the past several years I've regularly looked at my life and wondered if there is any purpose to it at all.

Perhaps there isnt.  Perhaps there doesnt need to be a purpose.  I guess we all like to think that there are reasons for everything. A logic to the universe. We believe that God has a big plan and that everyone on earth is integral to it - and I do believe that.  I know that each of us are stones thrown into a pond and that we cant see the effects that the ripples are having on the world around us.  Every now and again God graciously gives us glipmses of where the ripples have gone and what they have achieved.  But in the greater scheme of things my life is really pretty insignificant.   I think Id rather be in the throne room with Jesus basking in the glory of His presence than sitting here in rainy Northern Ireland doing the same thing week in week out, in a house we cant sell, with teenagers who just grunt at me and a neurotic dog who does my head in  😀

Perhaps my problem is that I want to be the star in my own film not a bit part extra in the background.   I think I always imagined that I would achieve great things, be remarkable, make a big difference, be significant.  ( low self esteem has never been a problem for me 😁 )   But in actual fact Im in my fifties,  I havent achieved the things I thought I might, I no longer have the confidence or motivation to be remarkable and I fear I shall just diddle along through the rest of my life spouting occasional words of wisdom and ' being nice' but feeling bored.

Is this all part of the tension of living in the now and the not yet?  Or is the enemy whispering in my ear?  Or is it just a normal part of being a middle aged human being?  Answers on a postcard please.
One thing I do know is that regardless of how I feel God is God.  He is awesome and amazing even when I dont understand anything about anything and feel like going to bed and living there for the rest of my life 😇  I know that despite my recalcitrance and weariness He will still speak to me and use me.  And it doesnt matter if I don't feel the warm fuzzies about that.  Because its not about me.
This post has been all about me hasn't it?    Maybe I needed to write it just to get to the bottom of the page and reach that conclusion.   It's not about me.

I guess that's quite a relief really.