Thou shalt not commit murder.

Yesterday was tough.  Not sure why.  I think being an introvert and having to be closed in with my four men for the forseeable is going to take its toll and to be honest I'm not quite sure how I'm going to manage.  I can be very up and down in my moods and I'm not sure how much of that is to do with depression, menopause and just ordinary and understandable frustration.   I know I am going to find it difficult to live with the mess that Keith and the boys generate and genuinely don't bother about.  Is it fair of me to nag and moan about it all the time when they genuinely can't see the issue?  Probably not.

So I waver from thoughts of just shutting myself in my room for the next three months and only coming out to eat, letting them all get on with it, to thoughts of being a super organised super-hero Mum who picks up after everyone with stoicism.  All of this stuff going round in my head causes me to spiral, and yesterday I was on a downward trajectory.  To the point where I had decided I wasn't going to post a blog today because God hadn't said anything and all I could hear were my own negative thoughts.

And then, very late last night I was online and saw a friend of mine had logged on.  She is going through a particularly difficult time with some really hard family stuff going on so I thought I'd just drop a ' Hello' into her inbox and see if she was up for a chat.   She was.  We chatted.  In my supreme arrogance I thought that I might be able to cheer her up in some way.  Wrong.  By the end of the conversation she had made me laugh, made me think, we had swapped some God stuff and I just left the conversation feeling genuinely encouraged and in a much better place.   So here I am - with some thoughts about learning to cope better.

I live with four men.  Jesus lived with twelve !!!   They weren't shut in a house together for sixteen weeks, but they did live in very close quarters for three years.    I wonder how Jesus dealt with constantly being surrounded by people who didnt really ' get' Him?  People who asked stupid questions, made silly mistakes, misunderstood what he was talking about and constantly had to have things repeated and demonstrated and explained to them.   I wonder if Jesus sometimes just felt like strangling his disciples.  Or running away and finding a new set who would do a better job.    We do know that He regularly ' self isolated' by getting away from everyone and going somewhere remote where He could be alone.   I think until now I've always assumed that He did that to spend holy time with His father.  But now I'm beginning to wonder whether it wasn't just as much about having some space to breathe, away from the constant close fellowship of the 12.  Being quiet.  Enjoying nature, the sunset, the birdsong.  Getting some exercise.  Not having someone constantly asking questions or interrupting conversations.   I think if Jesus were here now He would definitely be availing Himself of the opportunity to go out for a very long walk every day by Himself.  And telling the disciples they couldn't come with Him 😀 

The other thing Jesus did was He spent time with people other than the twelve.  He went to visit Lazarus, spent time with Mary and Martha, had dinner with Simon and wee Zac.  Jesus clearly needed a change of scene and of people every now and again.  Friendships are good for us.  We need to spend time with people who make us laugh and with whom we can relax.  At the moment we cant do that face to face, but as I discovered last night, we can still do it on the phone or on the laptop or over Skype.

And then of course Jesus spent time with God.  Lots of it.  Alone, withdrawn from the crowds, up a mountain, in a garden.  I know that for some of us, especially those with small children , it can seem like an impossible dream to get away on our own to pray.  But I guess even if we just go into the loo and shot the door for five minutes.......  ? 

Jesus seemed to have three things which helped Him cope with the stresses of living in close community with the disciples.  He went outside.  He cultivated friendships.  He spent time with God.
If He needed to do those things then I most certainly do.