Fiercely Independent
As a woman ' of a certain age' 😀 I find myself at the stage of life where lots of my friends are joining me in the adventure of having older parents. This week I have heard two stories which perfectly illustrate the point that as we get older we cling onto our independence for as long as possible - and how hard it can be for family members to intervene.
R's dad is elderly and has dementia. He is still driving and the other day decided to drive to Cork ( probably a good five hour drive) to buy a jeep or something without any of his family knowing he was going! He is probably pretty lethal on the roads. He could have easily become disorientated and got lost. He probably spent money he didnt have on a vehicle he most certainly didnt need. He has also recently ' borrowed' a digger from the family farm and dug a huge hole in a field. He is clearly not well and not safe. Why havent the family taken his car keys and prevented him from being able to go on massive road trips? Well, because he doesnt realise he has dementia and therefore is refusing to concede that he needs to make any adjustments. Its tricky. He is fiercely independent.
D's Mum is approaching 90 and has been getting more frail in the past couple of years. She lives in a rented house with steep stairs and no downstairs loo. For the past couple of years she has been finding the stairs harder and harder and there has been talk about moving to a bungalow , or getting a stair lift. And she has been to look at a couple of places , and the stairlift has been looked into. But of course, she has felt that she is still able to get upstairs, albeit slowly, so she can just carry on as she is. Moving house would be too much of an upheaval. Getting a stair lift seems unnecessary when she can still manage. But this week she ended up in hospital and now they wont let her home because they are saying she shouldnt be even trying to go upstairs any more. Care homes are being suggested, as well as carers visiting several times a day. But she doesnt want carers. And the care homes are quite a long way away from where she and her husband and wider family live. Her desire to be independent has actually ended up giving her fewer choices.
My Mum is the same. She has told me all her life that when it came to the time she would do whatever was necessary to make it easy for me and my brother to care for her. A couple of years ago she did go and look at a couple of sheltered housing complexes. But she felt that she didnt really need that level of support at the time, that her own house could be adapted if necessary and that it was too overwhelming to think about moving. So she has stayed put. And now its too late for her to go anywhere else and we will have to work round that. It's fine. Her house is adaptable and she has lovely neighbours. But I would definitely be happier if I knew there was someone at the end of an alarm button if she were to fall or feel unwell.
There is a better way to do it. Gladys's way.
Gladys was my best buddy. She died a couple of years ago aged 93. We loved each other and I miss her. But she taught me many things about being old. Most people who knew Gladys would say she was firecely independent. She was widowed and for many years lived a full and exciting single life, travelling the world as a missionary. As she got older she moved into smaller and smaller houses until one day she had a fall at the top of the stairs and lay all night unable to get herself up. The following morning a couple from church were driving past her house and the wife said ' Can we stop? I think we should pop in and see Gladys'. ( Listening for the voice of God can be important - life saving even) When they went in they found her on the floor and she ended up in hospital. The hospital staff were not happy to send her home as they judged she would not be safe. They found her a place in a care home - but Gladys was not for moving.
Her son Bryan contacted me and asked me to pray. Gladys was distressed and a bit confused and was steadfastly refusing to go into a care home . Despite everyone knowing this was the best option for her. Then a couple of days later Bryan called me again to say Gladys had had a sudden change of heart and was now happy to go. When I went to visit her in her new home I asked her what had changed her mind. ' Oh I just prayed about it, and asked the Lord what I should do and He said I should move. ' Simple as that.😀
Gladys was as independent as the rest of us, but she surrendered her own will to the Lordship of Jesus and was happy to do what He told her to do. She knew that His plan was the best plan, even if it went against her natural inclination to be in her own house looking after herself. Not only that, but she reckoned that He must have a purpose for her being in the care home and set about evangelising all the other residents ! And staff. She had some really lovely conversations with people who were nearing the end of their lives and some tender moments with staff who were going through personal trials. In the end she realised that Jesus wasnt asking her to give anything up. He was just moving her from one place to another so she could be more effective for Him. She had spent her whole life listening for God and moving when He said move. This was no different. And in the process her family were relived of the stress of constantly wondering if she was OK, having to check in on her daily and worrying if she was eating properly and remembering to take her medication etc.
As a society we tend to look on independence as a good thing and dependency as a weakness. We tell people to ' stand on their own two feet' and to look after themselves. And thats OK up to a point. But if Jesus is Lord then we have surrendered our decision making processes to Him. We trust Him to guide and lead us into all righteousness, in peace. I want to be like Gladys as I get older. I want to let God care for me in whatever ways He sees fit and to make wise and timely decisions about what I need to do, when, in order to maximise every moment I have left.
R's dad is elderly and has dementia. He is still driving and the other day decided to drive to Cork ( probably a good five hour drive) to buy a jeep or something without any of his family knowing he was going! He is probably pretty lethal on the roads. He could have easily become disorientated and got lost. He probably spent money he didnt have on a vehicle he most certainly didnt need. He has also recently ' borrowed' a digger from the family farm and dug a huge hole in a field. He is clearly not well and not safe. Why havent the family taken his car keys and prevented him from being able to go on massive road trips? Well, because he doesnt realise he has dementia and therefore is refusing to concede that he needs to make any adjustments. Its tricky. He is fiercely independent.
D's Mum is approaching 90 and has been getting more frail in the past couple of years. She lives in a rented house with steep stairs and no downstairs loo. For the past couple of years she has been finding the stairs harder and harder and there has been talk about moving to a bungalow , or getting a stair lift. And she has been to look at a couple of places , and the stairlift has been looked into. But of course, she has felt that she is still able to get upstairs, albeit slowly, so she can just carry on as she is. Moving house would be too much of an upheaval. Getting a stair lift seems unnecessary when she can still manage. But this week she ended up in hospital and now they wont let her home because they are saying she shouldnt be even trying to go upstairs any more. Care homes are being suggested, as well as carers visiting several times a day. But she doesnt want carers. And the care homes are quite a long way away from where she and her husband and wider family live. Her desire to be independent has actually ended up giving her fewer choices.
My Mum is the same. She has told me all her life that when it came to the time she would do whatever was necessary to make it easy for me and my brother to care for her. A couple of years ago she did go and look at a couple of sheltered housing complexes. But she felt that she didnt really need that level of support at the time, that her own house could be adapted if necessary and that it was too overwhelming to think about moving. So she has stayed put. And now its too late for her to go anywhere else and we will have to work round that. It's fine. Her house is adaptable and she has lovely neighbours. But I would definitely be happier if I knew there was someone at the end of an alarm button if she were to fall or feel unwell. There is a better way to do it. Gladys's way.
Gladys was my best buddy. She died a couple of years ago aged 93. We loved each other and I miss her. But she taught me many things about being old. Most people who knew Gladys would say she was firecely independent. She was widowed and for many years lived a full and exciting single life, travelling the world as a missionary. As she got older she moved into smaller and smaller houses until one day she had a fall at the top of the stairs and lay all night unable to get herself up. The following morning a couple from church were driving past her house and the wife said ' Can we stop? I think we should pop in and see Gladys'. ( Listening for the voice of God can be important - life saving even) When they went in they found her on the floor and she ended up in hospital. The hospital staff were not happy to send her home as they judged she would not be safe. They found her a place in a care home - but Gladys was not for moving.
Her son Bryan contacted me and asked me to pray. Gladys was distressed and a bit confused and was steadfastly refusing to go into a care home . Despite everyone knowing this was the best option for her. Then a couple of days later Bryan called me again to say Gladys had had a sudden change of heart and was now happy to go. When I went to visit her in her new home I asked her what had changed her mind. ' Oh I just prayed about it, and asked the Lord what I should do and He said I should move. ' Simple as that.😀
Gladys was as independent as the rest of us, but she surrendered her own will to the Lordship of Jesus and was happy to do what He told her to do. She knew that His plan was the best plan, even if it went against her natural inclination to be in her own house looking after herself. Not only that, but she reckoned that He must have a purpose for her being in the care home and set about evangelising all the other residents ! And staff. She had some really lovely conversations with people who were nearing the end of their lives and some tender moments with staff who were going through personal trials. In the end she realised that Jesus wasnt asking her to give anything up. He was just moving her from one place to another so she could be more effective for Him. She had spent her whole life listening for God and moving when He said move. This was no different. And in the process her family were relived of the stress of constantly wondering if she was OK, having to check in on her daily and worrying if she was eating properly and remembering to take her medication etc.
As a society we tend to look on independence as a good thing and dependency as a weakness. We tell people to ' stand on their own two feet' and to look after themselves. And thats OK up to a point. But if Jesus is Lord then we have surrendered our decision making processes to Him. We trust Him to guide and lead us into all righteousness, in peace. I want to be like Gladys as I get older. I want to let God care for me in whatever ways He sees fit and to make wise and timely decisions about what I need to do, when, in order to maximise every moment I have left.
Comments
Post a Comment